TODAY IS A NEW DAY, IF I COULD JUST START OVER AND FORGET YESTERDAY

so today is a new day. i should be working, but there is a colloquium in here at the moment, so i will just have to wait. i think i have everything done except for the actual scanning part. and the ftping. but oh well. so fall break is coming up, and i have two test that i am going to try not to flunk yet to go. tomorrow i will find out how i did on my bio test, and i can't imagine it was very well, i didn't remember much or study much. i think things are going to be hectic, go figure. alot of it is my fault, but i knew that. it is hard to get out of bed. hard to do anything really. i just want to sleep or mess about, when i have so much to do. i know that i can only get out what i put in, but i feel like i have nothing to put in. i just want to sleep and to be let alone. i have seen some amazing things this year, but none so amazing as the complete loss of my drive and will power. i didn't hand in my homework,and i wasn't even phased by it. what is that? what is wrong with me? i just don't understand. i could so go to sleep right now, but i have to hope they finish soon so i can get my work done. otherwise i will have to find a way to do it tomorrow. when i am not studying forthe physics test. damn it anyway. things tend to pile up here.

December 3rd, 2003.

So much going on in my life. I just started counseling,(yes, lindsey, i will reschedule, i promise) and i don't know how i feel about that. it's weird telling someone about your problems, and how depressed and tired you are. i'm sick right now, so that also adds to the difficulties i am having. i just hope to pass my classes. i may end up on academic probabation next semester. but i am going to do my best, i hope. i just want to sleep. tonight will be dedicated to doing astronomy homework, but i hope to be asleep by 2 or 3. that would be super. i haven't lost my appetite, so i guess i am not going to die. but i don't sleep much, and this cough has been keeping me up lately. i miss josh, and lindsey, and i can't wait to see them again. they keep me sane. it's funny, i was so scared of seeing josh, but after i talked to him, i felt like everything would be ok. if he could forgive me, and could look at me, then the world was alright. it's amazing how people can make you feel. today, i had a similar experience with the woman who is in charge of evalutating classes. i had an interview with her about sages, the pilot general education replacement program here at CWRU. i have mixed feelings about it, but she is so wonderful, and so easy to talk to. and so warmand friendly. it is people like her that make me want to get up and try in the morning. it is so easy to forget that there are wonderful people in the world. and there really are.

i'm really excited about seeing Josh, lindsey, bill and frank. I guess i'm excited about seeing the return of the king, but not as much as seeing my friends. i miss my friends so much, its not funny. i didn't think i would, but i do. I feel bad that i have grown away from some of them, but i'm at such a strange place in my life. i feel like i'm in the middle of pon far, that crazy vulcan sex craze every seven years. i'm almost 21, never been kissed, touched, felt up, nothing. i feel awkward. and lonely. this is not supposed to be a sob story, but honest. and that's all true. i never thought i would end up alone, but the thought has crossed my mind. i want to have someone to hold at night, someone to wipe the tears off my face, and someone to tell me how much they love me. to look in my eyes and not have to say a word. that's what i want. i wouldn't mind having someone to read to me or stroke my hair in the darkness as well. silly thoughts