so lately i have been feeling down, a lot of it due to my own stupidity. i made the mistake of thinking that because i love someone, it must mean that they love me as well. unfortunately, i learned the hard way that this just isn't so. you can wish someone to love you, but that doesn't make it happen. i told josh that i loved him. i think it is love, but what do i know? i have never actually had a real relationship with anyone, not even a disfunctional one. so i made the mistake of thinking that it was better to know how he felt than to leave our friendship intact. i don't think i have ever made a bigger mistake in my entire life. i can't believe what a selfish ass i have been. but i have to put it behind me. i apologized to him, but i dont' know if that will save whatever is left to save. i couldn't even bring myself to sign my name on it. i don't know why. but i didn't want to look at my own name.
i guess it doesn't matter too much, i see him very rarely anyway. i won't avoid him, but i certainly am not going to go out of my way to look for him. that was stupid of me to begin with. i don't know why i only want to be with people who don't want to be with me. i think there is something wrong with me. life is hard enough without feeling alone all the time. but i don't want to be in a relationship soly to not feel alone. that would be worse than not being in a relationship. i just don't even know how to begin a relationship, let alone maintain it.
so night shall be hell, i have astro, calc 3, physics and a lab to write tonight. i don't think i will be going to bed. i am seriously thinking about skipping religion today. i haven't read for the class, and i need to sleep or do homework. i may just do that. i need to work, and sleep, and i don't know how i will get it all done. we get two free skips, and i may just use one now. yeah, i think i will just go home, and sleep and then do calc and physics and pray about getting the astro and lab done. i am so out of it. damn. well, i think that's a plan.
December 3rd. super long time since my last update. I know. but i feel like i should add to this. I finally saw josh, and even though i almost made myself vomit, i am glad i saw him. there is no point in regretting how i used the time, but i did talk to him, and i am so glad. i will always love him, and he is wonderful. i hope to be able to look him in the eye next time we meet. he is so wonderful to me. and i miss him terribly. looking at this page, and the last one, i guess they are alot the same. perhaps i should just combine them. so i will.
December 3rd, 2003.
So much going on in my life. I just started counseling,(yes, lindsey, i will reschedule, i promise) and i don't know how i feel about that. it's weird telling someone about your problems, and how depressed and tired you are. i'm sick right now, so that also adds to the difficulties i am having. i just hope to pass my classes. i may end up on academic probabation next semester. but i am going to do my best, i hope. i just want to sleep. tonight will be dedicated to doing astronomy homework, but i hope to be asleep by 2 or 3. that would be super. i haven't lost my appetite, so i guess i am not going to die. but i don't sleep much, and this cough has been keeping me up lately. i miss josh, and lindsey, and i can't wait to see them again. they keep me sane. it's funny, i was so scared of seeing josh, but after i talked to him, i felt like everything would be ok. if he could forgive me, and could look at me, then the world was alright. it's amazing how people can make you feel. today, i had a similar experience with the woman who is in charge of evalutating classes. i had an interview with her about sages, the pilot general education replacement program here at CWRU. i have mixed feelings about it, but she is so wonderful, and so easy to talk to. and so warmand friendly. it is people like her that make me want to get up and try in the morning. it is so easy to forget that there are wonderful people in the world. and there really are.
i'm really excited about seeing Josh, lindsey, bill and frank. I guess i'm excited about seeing the return of the king, but not as much as seeing my friends. i miss my friends so much, its not funny. i didn't think i would, but i do. I feel bad that i have grown away from some of them, but i'm at such a strange place in my life. i feel like i'm in the middle of pon far, that crazy vulcan sex craze every seven years. i'm almost 21, never been kissed, touched, felt up, nothing. i feel awkward. and lonely. this is not supposed to be a sob story, but honest. and that's all true. i never thought i would end up alone, but the thought has crossed my mind. i want to have someone to hold at night, someone to wipe the tears off my face, and someone to tell me how much they love me. to look in my eyes and not have to say a word. that's what i want. i wouldn't mind having someone to read to me or stroke my hair in the darkness as well. silly thoughts